All Photos Provided by Karen Eicher Photo
Before Annie was conceived I wrestled with whether or not I was ready for another baby.
We had 3 daughters already, we had experienced 2 miscarriages in between babies 2 and 3, and I developed preeclampsia with baby number 1.
In the first trimester, I tend to experience intense anxiety about miscarriage and in the third trimester, my anxiety tends to settle on preeclampsia.
I remember telling both my life coach and my doula that I do in fact want one more baby, but I just wish I could learn to walk through the process without fear.
As a doula, pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding is my whole world and yet, I felt I could not endure that anxiety again.
I took it to the Lord, prayed for help, and we decided we were ready to take it on. I started to believe for a pregnancy that felt like carrying an easy yoke and a light burden as I co-create with God.
I was, however, quite adamant that my faith would not be in the idea that “everything will be ok.” Call it being realistic or call it being pessimistic, I just knew I couldn’t attach my faith in God to a specific outcome. I had prayed for healthy pregnancies and experienced miscarriages in the past after all.
Instead what I could be 100% confident in was that no matter what happened, God could use it for good, creating something new in me. I wouldn’t ever want to go through preeclampsia or miscarriages again, but I wouldn’t be the person I am today without them, and for that I am thankful.
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With my faith attached to a good God who causes all things to work together for my good, we were ready.
We got pregnant immediately and all of the emotions quickly flooded my body. The excitement, the fear, the dread, the hope. Some days were easy and I was able to feel peace, and other days the panic set in.
I would hop on the treadmill and walk multiple times a day because that was the only way I could burn through my nervous energy. I felt like a broken record, but I’d reach out to family and friends often to talk about my fear of loss.
I remember feeling disappointed that fear was still a part of my experience. I thought the answer to my prayers was that I would walk in spiritual confidence with nothing to be afraid of. But my life coach reminded me that I am in fact learning the tools to manage my fear: walking and talking.
There is a common principle in birth education that labor pain is directly related to the amount of fear we are feeling at the time. As a childbirth educator, I too, frequently teach the idea that if we can process and release our fears in pregnancy, it will release the tension we feel in labor, which naturally reduces the pain we perceive.
Some educators will even suggest that releasing all fear, in addition to trusting in a God who has supernaturally freed us from painful labors, can eliminate pain in labor completely.
I was interested in this idea throughout my pregnancy, unsure of my own beliefs about it. I had already had 3 births myself and as a doula, I had attended more than 60 births — none of which I would describe as pain free.
It’s not that I don’t believe it happens — I absolutely do. And I definitely believe that fear and pain go hand in hand. But in my spirit, I knew this wasn’t the whole story. There was more to it, but I had to wait on God to show me what He wanted me to know about it.
Fast forward to week 35 of my pregnancy. The fears about pregnancy loss had mostly dissipated and I had a specific moment of satisfaction when I realized I hadn’t had any of the gripping third trimester fears I had in my previous pregnancy.
And then I went to an eye doctor appointment where they suddenly took my blood pressure and the numbers flashed red, indicating a high reading.
“Oh don’t worry about it,” the nurse told me. “That cuff is a piece of crap, it always reads high.”
The eye doctor took pictures of my eyes and assured me that he can often see signs of preeclampsia behind the eye, but I showed no signs, and he confirmed their cuff is faulty.
Spoiler alert: for the rest of my pregnancy, all of my blood pressure readings were normal.
But the damage was done at the eye doctor that day. I had seen the high numbers and anxiety took a strong grip.
I lost full nights of sleep as adrenaline kept me awake, always convinced that preeclampsia was just around the corner. It appeared so suddenly in my first pregnancy, that I felt I must be hyper vigilant.
Along with regular meditation, prayer, and tapping, I went back to those two main tools: walking and talking.
I’d often walk an hour straight just to help my body relax and I started to process all the thoughts coming up in my brain, mostly related to my first pregnancy.
“I wasn’t educated enough.”
“I didn’t take good enough care of myself.”
“I was stupid for not seeing it coming.”
I never expected this, but the anxiety I felt in this pregnancy opened the door to so much healing that I didn’t even know I still needed from that traumatic experience 10 years ago. This alone was a beautiful move of God.
The night before I hit term I asked God to show me in a dream anything I needed to know about the birth ahead.
And then I slept all night without a single thought.
But I quickly received a text that morning from a friend.
“Kami! i had a dream last night that i want to share with you ❤️ i dreamt that we went by your house and your driveway was filled with household belongings that you were getting rid of. we asked you what it all was and you said you were unpacking a bunch of bins in your basement that you didn’t know were there and no longer needed. they had been in hiding and now were found and being shuffled through. you said it was all needed as you geared up to meet this baby and that the time was close (you were in your 38th week in the dream). it all felt very symbolic of a supernatural cleansing and purifying that you’re having the opportunity to go through right now, and the invitation to officially release these things.”
She didn’t know what all I was working through emotionally, and she also didn’t know that we were quite literally cleaning out and purifying our basement storage room at that time because we had found mold.
So in the physical world we were unpacking bins from our basement, and emotionally and spiritually I was unpacking moldy, destructive thinking that lived in the back of my mind dating at least back to my first pregnancy.
A couple weeks after all of that “unpacking” a different friend, who also didn’t know all that I was working through, sent me this message.
“I had a vision of you while praying, where the Lord handed over a suitcase to you. It was packed full of everything that you needed for a “trip”…. And when you pack for a trip, it’s well thought out and planned what you put in your suitcase so you’re prepared for when you get to your destination that you have everything you need for your adventures. I believe the Lord is handing you that suitcase that HE has thoughtfully and carefully and lovingly packed for you that supplies you with everything that you need for the rest of your pregnancy and delivery/labor. He even packed things that you didn’t even think of packing yourself❤️.”
I was so in awe of God after receiving this message. These two different friends spoke so beautifully into what I was dealing with. The first spoke of unpacking the old, moldy, destructive thinking that my psyche falls back on in order to “prepare.” The second spoke of God repacking a new and improved suitcase that has what I truly need.
A literal moldy suitcase sat in a trash can in my basement serving as a visible reminder of what God was doing and I couldn’t wait to find out what I’d truly need for this birth.
Near the end of the pregnancy, I started settling in on Psalm 23.
Verses 1 says “The LORD is my shepherd; I have all that I need,” and I’d remember that he has packed it in a suitcase for me.
I’d often skim quickly over verse 4, “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil,” because the mention of death was a bit too much for me then.
Instead I’d thank God for letting “me rest in green meadows” (verse 2), and I’d visualize him using his staff to protect me (verse 4) and I’d accept the anointing he’s given me to birth and mother this child (verse 5).
And then I’d wonder about the first part of verse 5. “You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies.” What does that mean exactly? I held on to it as we moved closer to delivery.
In addition to the mold in our basement and the intense anxiety, we were dealing with quite a few other things in our family of 5 in that third trimester. I had achilles tendinitis and couldn’t put weight on my left leg for a couple weeks, we had head lice around 35 weeks, one of my daughters was dealing with chronic headaches and stomachaches, at 37 weeks I attended a 40 hour labor as a doula and while I was there, that same child developed a fever on her birthday and was sent home from school. Then, all my children developed impetigo. The same child quickly seemed to develop an allergic reaction to the antibiotic cream we were using and we nearly took her to the ER, inciting even more anxiety in me.
“How much more of this madness can my mind and body take? Can my blood pressure stay normal through all of this stress?” I would question.
On Monday, Oct 27th I woke up feeling very crampy. I had acupuncture and a chiropractor appointment mid morning. My doula told me acupuncture helps to release emotion and, boy oh boy, it sure did. I cried and prayed and walked through my woods all afternoon.
Feeling at my mental end, I thought of our baby’s name: Annie Remlee. Annie means “grace” and Remlee is a little ode to the Old Testament’s mention of “The Remnant,” the faithful few who “remain.” So even though I wasn’t sure I could continue on in this pregnancy, I held on to the promise that “grace remains.”
As I continued processing and praying in my woods, I reached a point where I finally felt compelled to say out loud that “I surrender to a light load.”
With my striving and my fear and my perfectionism and anxiety, I tend to make things harder than they need to be but in my woods I realized He is simply asking me to give it to Him and let it be light. I knew this theme was not only for this birth, but especially for my next season of motherhood as well.
By evening I could recognize the start and stop of very mild contractions as I paced around the kitchen listening to worship music.
In the middle of the night Tuesday I woke up with contractions and watched Game 3 of the World Series as it went to an epic 18 innings. Contractions were spaced apart so I went back to sleep when the game finally ended just before 3 am.
Tuesday morning I had a midwife appointment and gained assurance that all was well. We were safe, and I could do this. Contractions continued randomly throughout the day.
Remember that allergic reaction to the antibiotic cream I had mentioned? That evening, I was on the phone with my daughter’s doctor who said her most recent blood work looks like she may have actually developed Scarlett Fever rather than an allergic reaction.
I had 2 contractions in our 8 minute conversation. That’s when I knew we were getting close. I then felt like I could hand my daughter’s heath concerns over to her doctor and to my mom, and turn my focus toward my body and my baby.
Contractions continued to progress throughout the evening and we sent our girls home with my mom. I started using my TENS unit, Kevin started doing counter pressure, and we went through Spinning Babies. I always have back labor, but this time it was so intensely focused just on my tailbone.
By midnight I had called my birth team and they all felt like they should come. My contractions were so strong, but I hadn’t experienced any bleeding yet even though I always had some bleeding in early labor before. As soon as they said they were coming, I felt nervous it was too soon.
I got in the shower which helped ease the tailbone pain tremendously. So much so, that I started to worry labor might stop just as my team arrived.
Even though the shower felt so amazing, I got out and never got back in. Looking back, this is my one regret. I wish I would have “surrendered to a light load” and just let the water do its work but I remember feeling like “if it’s not hard, it’s not real.” I’ve thought about that many times in this postpartum season. I know this is an untrue mindset I continue to live in and I’m praying about how to surrender to a light load and let things be easy when they can be.
My team arrived and I labored on. At one point I was kneeling on my couch when I started to feel pushy and grunted a bit during a contraction. My immediate reaction was “no, it can’t be time yet” and I felt my body tense up. It wasn’t that I was afraid of pushing. It was that I was afraid of being wrong and I couldn’t imagine it could already be time.
My midwife said, “that one sounded different.”
And being a doula, I responded by saying, “what if I just know the noises to make to trick you!”
From there, the urge to push was absent. Contractions continued on with so much intensity. Let me be perfectly clear: nothing about this birth was pain free.
And it certainly wasn’t free of fear either. In fact, I was shaking with adrenaline and fear for much of the labor because I just couldn’t believe this was actually going to work. I’ve had 3 babies smoothly before, I knew my body could do it, but the absence of bleeding made me think I hadn’t progressed at all.
We did a few contractions here, a few there, and then we did the side-lying release in my bed. I went into a dream-like state and thought a million thoughts. I told my doula I just need things to stop for like 10 minutes so I can sleep and I told my photographer that she should go sleep too. I felt like my team had been there forever and had seen no progress.
I think I fell asleep for just a bit and then I had a conscious thought that maybe I’d still be laboring when the sun comes up and I will have to go to the hospital for an epidural. With the adrenaline of that thought, I was fully awake again.
“I’m getting in the tub!” I finally declared.
At 3:20 am I stood up out of bed. My doula asked, “are you afraid of the intensity of pushing?”
And I said, “no, I’m afraid I’ll never get there.”
Leaning against the wall, Psalm 23:5 came to mind. “You prepare a feast before me, in the presence of my enemies.”
That must have been the emotional and spiritual release I needed, because the next contraction came and with it a strong urge to push. I yelled, “that one felt more real!!” and my birth team came rushing into my room.
I wanted to focus on letting my body push for me, so through the next couple of contractions, I focused on giving just small downward breaths.
Then with my body leading, I started pushing more forcefully. At 3:39 am my water broke all over my husband’s feet (sorry honey), and I could feel my baby moving down quickly.
I thought, “I wish I had a birth stool,” and my midwife read my mind. The birth assistant ran out to the driveway, grabbed the stool from the car, ran back in, and I sat down.
With the next contraction, at 3:42 am, Annie Remlee was born.
The first thing I noticed about her was that she had the darkest, sweetest eyebrows, which was something we predicted in pregnancy.
I couldn’t believe how smoothly everything went and simultaneously how much I doubted my body.
And yet, the whole birth experience has taught me so much about myself and how I approach life.
As a childbirth educator, I would have loved to share a story about how I learned to walk through pregnancy and birth without fear and consequently without pain so therefore, you can too!
I didn’t have that experience. But I think what I did learn was even cooler ➡️ Even if my enemies of fear and pain are fully present with me, God is still preparing a table for me.
I can still give birth scared. And you can, too.
He doesn’t ask us to sit alone in the valley of the shadow of death but to walk and talk through it.
I tend to over complicate things and if it’s not hard, it doesn’t feel real. In order to be taken seriously, I can easily feel like the work I’m doing each day has to look hard.
But I’m learning that this kind of thinking is the moldy basement bins I need to purge.
The suitcase He packed for me for labor was like a picnic basket, full of so many good things, as He put together a feast for me.
Even if I’m still a mess, still caught in fear, still worried about my performance, He is still doing a good thing. He brought life out of me and my imperfect state, and it’s my job to simply sit down at the table and enjoy the feast.
And while it’s certainly something I still have to practice each and every day, I now know that this is what it means to “surrender to a light load.”
