HALLE’S BIRTH STORY
Originally Published June 23, 2022
(Halle’s birth film is included at the bottom of this post.)
The birth story of Halle Larken starts well before she was conceived.
After 2 miscarriages in 2020, we were quite nervous to get pregnant again. The possibility of a 3rd loss was always on our minds and I held my breath through every milestone.
hCG tests doubling every 48 hours? Check.
Progesterone levels high enough to sustain a pregnancy? Check.
Would we make it past the 5/6 week mark when we lost our other two? Check.
A visible heartbeat on an 8-week ultrasound? Check.
An audible heartbeat at 11 weeks? Check.
Could we make it out of the first trimester? Check.
Would everything appear healthy and normal at her 20-week anatomy scan? Check.
And then we waited and waited to see if we could continue having a healthy pregnancy all the way through. I thought my anxiety would subside when we reached term, knowing my body had done its job carrying her and she would be developed enough to thrive outside the womb.
Instead, I started to battle crippling anxiety at week 37. Having had preeclampsia develop at 41 weeks in my first pregnancy, I began to obsessively freak out about that happening again. I worried about it so much that my blood pressure actually did spike a couple of times, only adding to my fear.
Ironically, the anxiety about my baby’s health also intensified when I hit term. Would something happen to her before I even had the chance to go into labor? I worried about her descent through the birth canal. I worried about my placenta and her umbilical cord. Would they continue to sustain her? And I wondered most of all about her first moments earthside. Would she be ready and prepared to breathe on her own?
It was almost as if her birth was the final test of her viability.
Because of all of these circulating fears, I knew it would take immense emotional preparation before my mind and body would allow her to be born.
Thankfully, I had gracious midwives who answered all of my questions and I had my mom who prayed with me over the phone in the middle of my most anxious night. I had my doula who supported me as I thought ahead and a patient husband and sweet friends who were there for me through it all.
I relied on Christian Hypnobirthing and worship music whenever I became overwhelmed and God continued to provide confirmation that he was there, that He created my body for birth, and that He would see our double rainbow baby through.
Toward the end of my pregnancy, I had gotten all of the answers I needed from my midwives especially in regards to what a resuscitation at a homebirth looks like. I knew that if Halle had any trouble breathing at all, my midwife would first help her drain fluid, then give some rescue breaths if needed. I found out that my midwives had continuous training in resuscitation and are beyond prepared, along with a birth assistant, to help my baby transition. I learned that Halle would experience and be impacted by her first moments and that as parents, we can help her by staying calm and speaking to her gently. I talked with my doula and my birth assistant further on the subject and they both reassured me that my baby will have what she needs.
Over the last few weeks of pregnancy, my body and my baby continued to display signs of health and strength which I am ever so thankful for. By the time I reached my due date, I was feeling level-headed, much more confident, and finally ready to birth my baby.
Here We Go
On my due date, Friday, April 22nd, I started bleeding. This did not surprise me for two reasons:
This is exactly what happened on my due date in my second birth.
I had spent the majority of the previous day in bed feeling my pelvis ache and stretch and open. I knew something was changing.
I had some minor cramping throughout the day and a chiropractic visit. My chiropractor confirmed my hips were spreading and she guessed baby would arrive that weekend.
Kevin and I had made reservations at a favorite restaurant in town and I was really hoping we could have one last fancy dinner before baby. I had been having some random tightening but couldn’t quite tell if they were actually contractions or not and the bleeding continued throughout the day.
This bleeding was both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, it was exciting that something was happening. On the other hand, it was quite triggering. The uneasiness, the fear, the cramping, it felt too reminiscent of my previous miscarriages and I couldn’t help but feel some anxiety rising. Still, from a third perspective, it was helpful to work through this anxiety before contractions became very intense and it gave me a chance to mentally prepare for the birth journey that was indeed happening soon.
Thankfully, we made it to dinner. After finishing some delicious scallops I started to feel confident that I was having real contractions spaced about 15 minutes apart. We went for a drive around the lake but they began to feel uncomfortable and I wanted to go home.
They never really progressed a whole lot further and I went to bed. Contractions did continue all night long but they were random and infrequent.
Saturday
I woke up the next morning and things weren’t progressing. This was ok with me though because my oldest daughter had her opening day of t-ball that day and I didn’t want to miss it. So we enjoyed her first game, came home for a picnic lunch outside, fed the goats, and took a nap. Then my husband took the girls to his moms so I could have an evening of peace. I enjoyed cleaning my house one last time in preparation for our home birth, I had a nice quiet dinner, and I watched a movie while laying on the couch with my peanut ball. My parents came to visit and contractions were about 8 minutes apart.
Slowly, but surely, I knew we were getting there.
Through the night contractions were coming more frequently with pretty intense back labor. With each surge, I would wake myself up, move to hands and knees, put a little bit of counter pressure on my own back, breathe through it… and then plop right back down in bed to sleep until the next one. I could not fully wake up and just wanted to keep sleeping.
Sunday Morning
I finally got myself to wake up on Sunday, April 24th, around 7 am and I knew it was finally time to move forward. I had worked through my anxieties and was ready to meet my baby. It’s amazing how the body helps the mind along the labor journey.
I took a shower because that really helped resolve back labor in my second birth, but it didn't seem to make much of a difference this time. Every contraction was felt entirely in my lower back. I couldn’t feel anything in my belly so it was really difficult for me to gauge how strong they actually were. They did, however, start coming about every 5-7 minutes by the end of the shower.
My mom came over and at 8:30 am we decided to go for a walk. We walked down my road and contractions quickly started coming every 4 minutes. During each one, I would do an abdominal lift and tuck to try to get my baby to rotate, in case a posterior position was causing the back labor.
A few different neighbors drove past me during a contraction on their way to church and told me later they could tell something was happening and they were praying for me throughout the morning.
We walked to my parents house right around the corner and chatted with my dad and then we returned to my house around 9:30. Contractions were 3-4 minutes apart and getting stronger. I decided to rest a bit and see if they would slow back down but instead they moved to every 2-3 minutes and I started to believe it was truly happening.
I called my doula, Jayde, at 10:15 am and asked her to come. Ten minutes later, contractions intensified again and I called my midwife, Lauren.
When Jayde arrived we decided to do some lunges on my stairs and we did more abdominal lift and tucks to see if we could alleviate the back labor by encouraging her to rotate. No luck.
I then did a side-lying release in my bed and got into the tub around 11:20. My midwife, the birth assistant Rachel, and my sister-in-law/videographer Karen arrived right around then.
There I was, in my tub, with some of my favorite fellow birth workers in my bathroom watching me. I joked that it felt just like a birth worker gathering and Rachel reminded me to step out of my birthworker logical brain and step into my instinctual birthing brain.
Lauren took my blood pressure and found it to be exactly in the normal range to which I exclaimed, “NAILED IT.” I was so thankful to have avoided preeclampsia once again. She listened to my baby, I felt quite reassured that all was well, and the excitement of being in labor finally set in.
After months and months and months of waiting and worrying and wondering, we were here, anticipating the safe arrival of our double-rainbow baby.
My two older girls were in the living room with my mom but they would come in and visit every few contractions which I found to be a lovely distraction. They encouraged me, brought me water, and gave me sweet, little back rubs. I loved having them close and I’m so thankful they were there.
My mom came in to ask when to start my bread maker, knowing it’s a 3-hour process to make a loaf. To my mom’s surprise, Lauren told her to go ahead and start it.
Lauren and I had a quick chat about if she would check my cervix and we both decided it was unnecessary for the time being. It was so great to not have that disturbance.
Because contractions continued to be solely in my back, I expressed to my birth team that I wasn’t sure if they were strong enough yet. Don’t get me wrong, the intensity of the contractions in my back was commanding, but because I couldn’t feel them in my belly, I wondered if they were effective. Lauren felt my belly during the next contraction and assured me they were strong, releasing me to fully trust my body.
From there, every contraction seemed to get more intense than the one before. I went from joking around in between contractions to being unable to open my eyes while waiting for the next one.
At one point, I asked my husband to go get the pool noodle I bought to give me some buoyancy. This was a bit of a joke between us because he thought the noodle was hilariously much too big for our tub. I insisted, however, that I wanted it between my legs so that I could float in between contractions.
In short, he was entirely correct. The noodle was far too big and when the next contraction came I was left awkwardly flipping around, trying desperately to get to my hands and knees. Caught in a fit of laughter during a tough contraction was a weird highlight of this labor for both Kevin and me. I was done with the pool noodle after that and it never returned.
Contractions continued to intensify and at one point I very nearly said out loud, “my water is going to break with the next one.” Choosing to stay silent instead, I didn’t want to jinx myself. But sure enough, during one of the next 2 or 3 contractions, my water bag popped at 12:55 pm.
I remember saying to Lauren, “things are about to get real now aren’t they?” She replied with a simple “uh huh” and began moving quickly to prepare.
At the top of the very next contraction, an urge to push surfaced. I asked my team to put a shower curtain and some pads on the floor beside my bed and I wanted to get out of the tub. They helped me move to my hands and knees on the prepared birthing space and reality set in.
It was time to deliver my baby.
I probably had about 5 contractions after that and with each one she moved closer to her birth. The intensity of her head moving through the birth canal was completely overwhelming. I seriously felt like there was no way she would fit but I knew that she had to and that it was my job to get her there. I wanted to stay as calm as possible and let her slowly move through, but my body was forcing me to push as hard as I possibly could.
In the break before one of those contractions I knew it was nearly her moment of birth. I remember whispering a little prayer, “Jesus let her be ready to breathe.”
Here it was: the final test of her viability.
I moved into a kneeling position with one knee and one foot on the ground. With the next contraction, her head was out, the biggest relief.
I waited a bit and then pushed for her shoulders and she was born at 1:25 pm, giving a couple raspy, but reassuring squeals immediately after birth.
She was then a bit stunned and waited to take her next breath. Lauren picked her up to help her drain fluid while Kevin and I, after weeks of preparing for this moment, calmly welcomed and encouraged our Halle girl to breathe. I rubbed her back and talked to her letting her know she was ok and we were excited to see her.
Everyone in the room held their breath with her, each of them knowing how much this moment meant to me. But what I remember the most was how calm and at peace I felt. She would be ok, I knew. That was the winning piece of this birth for me.
After 45 seconds she began crying again and everyone exhaled with her.
Lauren then handed her to me and with joy, I put her skin to skin, feeling fully present and aware of my baby in that moment, quite unlike my first two births.
I couldn’t believe how little and healthy and perfect she looked.
My girls and my mom then came in to peek and my 3 year old whispered, “I see her rainbow tail!” referring to her umbilical cord, still purple and attached.
At about 1:33 I delivered the placenta. Shortly after, my husband cut the cord, my team prepared my bed, and we climbed right in.
Miss Halle Larken began breastfeeding, my husband brought me a snack, the girls came into bed and everyone else cleaned up.
My first two babies were 6 lb 10 oz and 6 lb 12 oz respectively. Throughout the pregnancy, I often wondered about what her weight would be and my logical brain told me it would be 6 lb 14 oz, following the pattern perfectly. We all thought she looked much smaller however so I was quite surprised when she weighed in at 6 pounds 15 ounces, my biggest (but still so tiny) baby yet.
Within a couple hours we were in the clear, tucked in bed and ready for a nap. I was, and still am, in awe of what had just happened. All of my worrying, all of our waiting, all the wondering, and now here she was, in my arms after a totally smooth and uncomplicated home birth.
Though early labor was long, it gave me the time I needed to process and mentally prepare. Once active labor started it was somewhere around 3 hours (depending on how you calculate it) before the pushing stage began. There was 25 minutes of pushing and no tearing, something I always get pumped about.
Most importantly, she transitioned so well and has been healthy ever since.
We’re so thankful for our little girl, for our birth team, and for a God who has been faithful and present over the course of the last 2 years. When we decided to have a third child we had no idea the journey ahead. While I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, I am grateful for all that I’ve learned about miscarriage, grief, and pregnancy after loss.
A fellow birth worker shared with me that her home birth after pregnancy loss was a critical component of learning to trust her body again. I can absolutely see how that’s true for me, too. I worried about everything that could possibly go wrong and yet my body proved to me over and over again that it is wonderfully complex. From a baby that was the perfect size for my body to a beautiful umbilical cord that sustained her through 9 months of pregnancy and her first 45 seconds, my body was designed for this.
I can’t say this was my easiest birth, the persistent back labor made sure of that. I can’t say I was totally unafraid or that it was pain free or that I calmly hummed my way through. I couldn’t gently breathe her out.
It was really a raw, roaring battle to say the least.
Instead, the victory in this birth for me is that I had to work harder, pray harder, and quite literally push harder than I ever have before to process through many emotions and let my baby enter the world. And yet, even though it felt surreal and quite honestly, impossible at times, I brought forth life by the grace of God.
Thanks for celebrating the arrival of Halle Larken with me.
Hallelujah, praise God that she’s here!
Enjoy the birth film of our double rainbow baby, Halle Larken